my (fantasy) exit letter to A's school in the 'burbs

Dear Ms. XXXXX,

Thank you for expressed interest in A's absence from school. I received your voicemail message one full month since he hadn't appeared in class at XXXXXXXXX Middle School.

As of January 1, 2005, A was no longer enrolled in your school. The reason for our pullout is complicated. But LongShort, here's our laundry list:

- The students at XXXXXXXXX Middle School are spoiled. A's speech class featured students' "Pet Peeves." On his take-home speech video, I noticed a 7th-grade student stating that her "pet peeve" was that her maid did not leave her school books "precisely where she had been asked to do so" and instead, said maid left the student's books "on the bookshelf, which was unacceptable." The student proceeded to rant about books on the bookshelf for the entirety of her 15-minute speech. I wonder, might you consider giving Qaaludes to that particular student? Or to the entire class with similar housekeeping "problems"? The "issues" that students at XXXXXXXXXXX Middle School have with their maids and housekeepers appear to be endemic.

- The politics that the students share in the classroom scare us. Another student on A's take-home speech video featured a Jewish student stating that Palestinians behaved "inhumanely" in the "territories" and no teacher clarification was requested while student was giving said "speech" about his "pet peeve."

- The taxi drivers in town complain that too many middle school-aged girls ask them if they're interested in receiving "roadhead." I will not explain this for you. But like, dayum. Middle schoolers?

- Many parents of students at XXXXXXXXXX Middle School secretly wishes to be a Desperate Housewife. I know this to be true because...

- My immediate Mercedes-driving neighbor who is in the process of divorce, asked me to upload her JDate photo online, that said photo depict her more scantily clad than the "other woman" who seduced her husband also on JDate. She offered A Playboy magazines to view at his leisure because that is the 'sophisticated' thing to do("like, excuse me????"). She also asked me if it would be okay if I bought her some "herbs" from the City to help her relax. Note: Maitresse does not buy herbs for herself, or anyone else. It was not okay to buy "herbs" using this woman's divorce support/alimony money, but in principle, Maitresse is against being used in such a manner. Besides, burning some Nag Champa incense works sufficiently well to calm anybody down. Anyway, being a child of a Desperate Housewife is Sad. And finally,

- Your students actually believe that the Real World is comprised of kids just like the kids at XXXXXXXX Middle School. Dare I mention that you have all of...five black kids in the entire student body? Two of whom happen to be the offspring of the founder of Ebony Magazine? The rest of the student body is comprised of Japs (from Japan), JAPs, and a smattering of other nationalities, all exhibiting a melanin shade lighter than my own (I am olive). Oh, yeah, in the Real World, $5,0000 plasma t.v. screens are not the norm. Nor is getting a Jaguar/Lexus/Range Rover on your 16th birthday. Real World, XXXXXXXXX Middle School is not.


Thank you for the experience. It was certainly...interesting.

Very truly yours,

Maitresse

Cc: Mr. XXXXXXX, School Principal