A confession:
My mother refuses to acknowledge anything of value that I've done in my lifetime.
She does not say "I love you" to me. She does say it to A. Because I do. All the time.
My mother suggested what a great idea it would be for me to homeschool A , but isn't it a pity that I am such a slacker with work-related matters, therefore, she has reversed her decision. I should not be homeschooling A. Homeschooling takes up too much time that could go to work-related matters.
My mother also suggested that I send all my things to storage when I had sufficient room here at home. I followed her advice, and now my things are all stuck in storage in a warehouse in the Bronx that is always closed when I phone.
She also suggested that I get a job and not go to college after high school. That I would never amount to anything, anyway.
My grandmother, A's great-grandmother, sings, dances Cuban salsa, curses, walks to the grocery store every day without a cane, tells jokes, shows up to funerals, gets invited out places, and talks to me without counting the seconds on the clock (unlike my mother). Yet my grandmother has limited time left for us to savor and enjoy her.
My mother has no money. And she is withering away.
My grandmother has less money, and is older, but she is more alive.
I do not wish to become my mother. I prefer to become my 94-year-old grandmother.
This was awkward to write.
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8 comments:
This is interesting; it almost sounds like a book. I, too, have a difficult mother--for reasons different from yours, but still. *sigh* I can't write things about her on my site, though, because she reads it and would call and guilt-trip me (even more than she already does).
I think I like your grandmother. And from the way you write, my guess would be that you *will* end up something like her, which is certainly no waste!
Hugs for you. I wonder if sometimes parents view their kids as an extension of themselves. When they dislike and are critical of themselves they project those feelings onto their kids. it's hard not to be crushed by a parent's comments and opinions, but stay strong, be polite, and do your own thing. Your grandma sounds awesome, btw.
Hugs.
That sucks.
Have you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I found it very helpful (except for the confrontation chapter) in arming myself against the little viper in my life, and in clarifying the kind of person I want to be.....
Btw, my mother does not read this blog.
By your description, it doesn't surprise me that she doesn't read your blog.
Does A get along with your mom?
A does get along with my mom. A gets along with everyone. : )
Interesting dynamics. For me it's: Paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother, yeah. Father and mother, bleh.
Is it a pendulum that swings between generations? How will our kids relate to us later in life? Grandkids?
While I haven't read any of the toxic parent books (though thanks to Hornblower - again - another book gets added to my Amazon Wish List) my guiding principle as a parent is, "Don't be like her." It doesn't always work though.
Isn't it perplexing how difficult the relationship between mothers and daughters can be? I too had (have) a sometimes difficult mother. We're sooo different that she just doesn't "get" me.
FWIW, I think you're one of the most interesting people I "know," and I'd love to have accomplished half the things you have!
Jill
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