LaMai writes a few letters

Dear George Soros,

Shalom my Magyarish friend! I hope this letter is not keeping you away too long from your philanthrophy work with Open Society Institute and that, you know, anti-guy-in-the- White House org. So I'll keep this brief.

We need some bucks, Mr. Soros. We had a bar mitzvah that had a lot of goulash and simcha. The amount I need is just a small drop in your billionaire bucket. So do us a mitzvah. Send the droplets our way. I'll get you some really good Gundel pancakes. Or something.

Toda rabba and Köszönöm again!

Yours lovingly,

La Maitresse

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Dear Donald Trump:

Hi. I know you and Melania are waaaaay busy, and you've got all sorts of programming going on the television networks. Plus, you've got that Trump University ridiculousness, erm, endeavor. I commend you, Mr. Trump.

So I am asking you to get my son fired up. Yes, fired UP. Send your homeschooled homeboy a token of your Trump affection, and perhaps the American viewing public won't despise you so much. I know, I know, I didn't invite you to the bar mitzvah. But you guys are, you know, sooo high maintenance. You expect me to run out of my party-going to greet you at your limo? Please, Donald.

Be a mensch. Send my boy a chai (that's $18) with a few zeros at the end.

Yours,

Maitresse (Your "wonderful woman")

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Dear Lindsey Lohan,

Hi girl! How is your fabulous self?

Girl, I know you aren't Jewish (or are you?) but you know, you are sooooo Long Island. And being spoiled rotten from Long Island is so cool. It's the new royalty. Or something. So I thought you'd understand why I'd even write to you. Mkay?

We just had a bitchin' party. But we need some help paying for it. Why not send us some of your green kisses, mkay? Maybe I'll help you do some shopping if I have anything left over. So you know, some some extra? We can do vedic pedicures afterwards. How awesome!

Cheers,

LaMai